


He’s Gone

by WonderfullyWonderingAlone59



Category: Queliot - Fandom, The Magicians
Genre: Death, Depression, Grief, Multi, Panic Attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-10-28 19:00:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17792942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WonderfullyWonderingAlone59/pseuds/WonderfullyWonderingAlone59
Summary: Quentin finds out his dad has passed away and doesn’t handle it well





	He’s Gone

Quentin and Julia were having a friend date. They hadn’t had one in a long time. Life kept them both extremely busy so it was hard to find time. Julia had just recently started dating Penny, which Quentin still wasn’t too sure about since they were sometimes enemies and didn’t get along all of the time. They could be civil when they needed to be but they mostly rubbed each other the wrong way. Julia was determined to mend this and hoped to even maybe make them KIND of friends some day. 

They were drinking coffee at the Brakebills cafe. The coffee wasn’t great, but it was drinkable. They talked about their lives, how mush things had changed since they were kids, and what they hoped to achieve in the future. It was nice being able to catch up. Even though they saw each other often, there was a lot they didn’t know about each other’s day to day lives. 

Quentin’s phone buzzed. It was his mom. His heart sank. His dad hadn’t been well. The cancer had come back in full swing and he wasn’t going to have a happy ending. It wasn’t that Quentin didn’t know it was coming but he still wasn’t ready. How could you ever be ready? 

“You gonna answer that, Q?”

“Hmm? Uh, no. It’s probably nothing.”

They continued talking until his phone buzzed again saying he had a voicemail. His heart sank. Julia noticed the change in him. 

“Q, what is it?”

“Uh, my mom. It’s probably nothing.”

“You should probably listen to it Q. It’s ok. I’m here.”

She reached her hand across the table and took his hand. He flinched a little but let her. 

“Q? Go ahead. I’m right here.”

He shook his head.

“I can’t. I don’t want to.”

Julia got up and moved her chair to sit right beside him and put her arm around him. He swallowed the lump that was forming in his throat. Quentin picked up his phone and hit play. Julia watched him intently, ready for what was to come. Or so she thought. Quentin listened carefully, shaking his head and looking around. His lip made a small quiver and Julia’s stomach dropped. She tightened her grip on him. 

Suddenly Quentin threw his phone down on the table. He stood up quickly.

“Q? What is it? What can I do?”

“Nothing. Like I said. I...I need to go. I forgot I have a...thing”

He was already jogging down the hall and headed back towards the cottage. Julia called after him but it was useless. She picked up Quentin’s phone and played the voicemail. It was his mom. She said she was hoping to not have to do this in a message but needed to let him know that his father had passed away. Julia closed her eye and tears streamed down her face. She left a tip on the table and headed towards the cottage. 

She didn’t know what to expect. Nobody handles trauma well, but with Quentin’s history of mental instability and illness she was terrified. Anything could happen. She blew through the door of the cottage. Penny was in the living room. He looked up.

“Penny is Q here?”

He stood and came to her and kissed her cheek.

“Uh, yeah. He came in here like a fucking hurricane and went upstairs. What’s his deal this time?”

“Penny, his dad died.”

Penny’s jaw dropped. 

“Shit, for real? Fuck. Oh fuck. Um...what should we do? We should probably call Eliot, right? He and Margo aren’t due home til the weekend but they’ll drop everything and come early.”

“You’re right. Yeah. I’ll call him. Can you, um...I don’t know. Shit. Go see if he’s ok at least?”

“Yeah, absolutely. I mean, he’s probably gonna tell me to go fuck myself and slam the door in my face but I’ll try.”

Julia rubbed his arm. 

“Thanks babe.”

Penny went upstairs. He hesitated at Quentin’s door. He could hear sounds coming from inside but couldn’t make out what they were. Finally he knocked. A moment went by with no answer so he opened the door a crack and peeked in. Quentin was walking back and forth but he couldn’t tell what he was doing. He pushed the door open all the way and went in.

“Quentin.”

Quentin was frantically going around the room picking things up and putting them away, moving things around. He stopped to rub the back of his neck looking around like he didn’t know what to do next. 

“Quentin.”

Quentin turned to look at him briefly but went back to pushing things around. He was trying to move his dresser and was getting nowhere with it. Penny went to him and put a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey, Quentin. Stop. What are you doing?”

“Penny please move, I have a lot to do. I want to move this to the other side of the room, I have laundry to do, I want to reorganize my closet, I-“

“Quentin!”

Penny gripped him by both shoulders and held him still. Quentin tried to wiggle away from him. 

“Please, just go! I have a lot of work to do, just-“

“Would you stop! Quentin, look at me. You don’t have any work to do. Look, Julia told me about your dad. I’m sorry. Are you ok?”

Quentin wouldn’t meet his eyes and continued struggling to escape his grip but Penny held him still.

“I don’t know what Julia thinks she knows but everything’s fine and if you would please let me go I have shit to do and I need to study still and-“

Julia entered the room. Penny let go and Quentin went back to trying to move the dresser. When he couldn’t, he went to the closet and began pulling clothes out and throwing them on the floor. Julia, confused, walked to Penny.

“Eliot and Margo are leaving within the hour. They’ll be back late tonight. What’s...going on?”

“I think he’s in shock or something. He’s all manic and won’t sit still. He acts like he doesn’t know what I’m talking about and says he has a lot of work to do. Cleaning and school stuff.”

“Shit. This isn’t good. I think he’s disassociating.” 

She walked to the closet and put her hand on Quentin’s arm. 

“Hey, Q? Come sit with me?”

He shook her hand off.

“Q, hey, come sit with me.”

“Jules I’m busy, ok? Can we talk later?”

Julia turned to Penny.

“What do we do? This isn’t normal.”

They let him tear his closet apart a little while longer until Penny had had enough. He went to Quentin and pulled him towards him. 

“Quentin enough. Stop.”

Quentin fought to get away from him. 

“Let go of me! Leave me alone.”

“No. Quentin, stop it. Talk to us. You’re in shock.”

“No I’m not! Let go of me, Julia tell him to let go of me. I didn’t do anything wrong!”

Julia put her hand on his back soothingly.

“Of course not, Q. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Then make him let go of me!”

Quentin stared at Penny, tears forming in his eyes. 

“Letgoletgoletgoletgoletgoletgo.”

His legs went out on him then and he dropped. Penny caught him quickly and held him up. He went limp then, causing Penny to have to hold all of his weight. Penny put him down, letting him sit on the floor. He and Julia joined him, both holding on to him. Quentin sat against the wall looking straight ahead, in a daze. Julia stroked his cheek. 

“Q? Sweetie? It’s ok. You can grieve. We’re here.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Julia and Penny exchanged worried glances. 

“Q...we were getting coffee, remember? Your mom called? Your...dad passed away.”

Quentin shook his head and covered his ears.

“No no no no no no no no. Shhhhhh.”

“Q-“

“Stop. Talking. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Quentin you can’t pretend it’s not true.”

Quentin started rocking, banging his head back against the wall hard. 

“Noooooooooo! Stop!”

Penny put his hand between Quentin’s head and the wall so he wouldn’t hurt himself. Julia ran her hand through his hair.

“Q, I know it hurts but please let us help you.”

With a broken sob, Quentin turned to yell at her.

“I don’t need anyone’s help because nothing is wrong! You’re all wrong! Everything’s fine, it’s fine, he’s fine!”

He continued rocking back and forth, hitting Penny’s hand. His breathing was picking up and his heart was racing. His chest felt so heavy that it might explode and he was trembling. Suddenly he couldn’t breathe. Why couldn’t he breathe? He grasped at his shirt, it felt too tight.

“I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe.”

A cool hand touched his cheek. Julia. 

“Q, you’re having a panic attack. Take a deep breath, ok? Breathe, Quentin.”

He couldn’t. Everything felt wrong. This is a dream. It has to be a dream. He was dreaming...

But he couldn’t breathe. It was even harder now. The room was spinning. He grabbed two fistfuls of his hair and pushed against his head. He kept hearing his name but couldn’t respond. It would all go away if he ignored it. 

“Eliot! Eliot! I need to find Eliot.”

He tried to push himself to stand but his legs wouldn’t hold him so he curled into a ball and tried to lay down. He couldn’t stop shaking. Penny was trying to pull him back up to sit, holding him against him since he couldn’t hold himself up. He gasped for air but couldn’t find it.

“Quentin relax. Breathe, dammit!”

“Eliot...Eliot...Eliot...”

“Eliot will be here tonight, buddy. He’s on his way. Julia what do we do?”

“Quentin can you look at me? Breathe with me, ok? Can you do that?”

“I need to call my dad. Jules, I need to call my dad, ok?”

Julia looked at him and shook her head. She looked so sad. She was crying too. 

“Q, he’s gone. I’m so, so sorry. I wish I could take it all away.”

“No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.”  
He sobbed. 

Julia got up and said something to Penny and then she left the room. Quentin looked up at him from the floor. His head was in his lap and Penny was trying his best to comfort him. 

“Focus on your breathing, Q.”

The words went in his head and right back out. He couldn’t process what they meant. He felt like he was dying. This was definitely dying. 

“I want to get up. I need to get up.”

Penny stood and helped him up. He had to hold on to him because he had no balance and his legs still threatened to give out at any second. They paced back a forth a few times. Quentin was mumbling about ending it all. He couldn’t go on. It was too much.

“Quentin! Stop talking like that.”

Julia returned with Dean Fogg and and a man Penny recognized as a doctor from the infirmary named Benjamin. Julia was talking a mile a minute, filling them in on the situation. They approached Quentin carefully. Penny stopped walking and held him in place.

“Quentin, it’s Dean Fogg, talk to me. What’s going on?”

“I can’t breathe. I need to go. I have to call my dad, will you please let me go?”

“Quentin, I’m so sorry, but your dad is gone.”

“Stop saying that! He’s not gone! Why does everyone keep saying that? If you’d just let me go call him I’ll show you-“ He gasped a giant shaky breath.

“No Quentin. He’s gone. I’m sorry. You have to believe me. Nobody is lying to you. I promise you.”

Quentin covered his face again for a moment. He took both fists and hit himself on either side of his head, screaming. Penny took his wrists and held them. 

“Quentin, look at me. Do you understand what I’m telling you? I know it’s hard and this is not an easy thing to talk about, but he is gone. Do you understand?”

“No, no, no, no, no, no, no.”

“Yes, Quentin.”

He screamed again. Screamed all of the air out of his lungs. He sobbed and struggled against Penny. He could see Julia standing off to the side still crying. 

Dean Fogg turned to Benjamin and they nodded at each other.

“Give him a sedative. This is too much for him. He can’t handle it. It’s only going to get worse. He needs to sleep.”

Benjamin came close to him.

“Quentin just breathe ok? I’m going to help you.”

He took one of Quentin’s sleeves and rolled it up. Quentin still fought and screamed. 

“Dad! Dad! Dad! Nooooo! Eliot...”

“Quentin try to hold still for me, ok? I’m going to give you something to help you relax.”

He felt a pinch in his upper arm followed by warmth. It was quick. His brain went foggy and he was suddenly so sleepy. His legs gave out and he was sliding down to the floor with Penny holding on to him. He cradled him so he wouldn’t hit his head. Benjamin was in his face.

“That’s it, Q. Just relax, don’t fight it. Just sleep. You’re going to be ok.”

He couldn’t hold on any longer. His eyes closed and everything went black. 

 

It was a long, dreamless sleep. Quentin woke up. He was confused. His eyes were still heavy and he couldn’t open them. He could hear people talking around him. He tried to talk but his mouth wouldn’t move. He could only whimper. The voices stopped. Someone was grabbing his hand and squeezing it.

“He’s waking up. Q? I’m right here.”

He tried to lift his arm but it wouldn’t go very far. His eyes still wouldn’t open. He felt trapped. He lifted his arm again and something pulled him back. He panicked, moving both arms. 

“Take it easy, Q. I’m here.”

He finally got one eye open and looked down. His wrists were bound in restraints. He kept pulling at them. This wasn’t his room. He was in a hospital bed at the infirmary. Eliot. Eliot.

“Eliot?”

“Yeah Q. I’m here, baby.”

Eliot sat his bed up to a sitting position and climbed in beside him. There wasn’t really room for two but he made it work. Eliot wrapped his arms around him and held him. It felt so good. 

“Q I’m so sorry. I’m right here. You’re not alone.”

A pain tore through his head and he winced. Eliot held him tighter. He wanted to hold on to him. 

“Eliot. I can’t move, Eliot. Help me. Please. I want to go home. Take me home. Take me home.”

Eliot stroked his hair and kissed him. 

“I will, Q. I promise. The doctor just wants to keep you here overnight to make sure you’re safe, that’s all.”

He didn’t understand.

“Why? I don’t need to be here. What...what happened?”

“You had a little breakdown, sweetie. It was too much for your brain to handle, I think. You had to be sedated. Everything is going to be ok, though. I’ve got you.”

“Why can’t I go home? I need to call my dad, El.”

Eliot held his head between both his hands and looked him in the eyes. He had tears in eyes too.

“Q, your dad passed away. He’s gone. I know it’s hard to hear but I need you to understand. This is real. This is real and I know it hurts and I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere.”

Quentin shook his head. He studied Eliot’s eyes. Eliot wouldn’t lie to him, especially about something like this. It was real. His dad was really gone. He felt a giant hole in his chest, like he had been punched. He gasped for a deep breath and the tears flowed. They kept coming and wouldn’t stop. Eliot held on to him and rocked him. 

“He’s gone. My dad. He’s gone.”

“I know, Q. We’re going to get through this together.” 

He must’ve passed out again. He woke to someone talking right beside him. He turned to look. Benjamin was taking the restraints off of his wrists. Eliot was still holding him. 

“Hi Quentin. I won’t ask you if you’re ok because that’s a stupid question. How are you hanging there? Can I do anything? Get you anything?”

He could only shake his head. He closed his eyes and leaned into Eliot’s chest where he felt safe. 

“You don’t feel like hurting yourself do you, Quentin?”

He thought for a second. 

“No.”

“Quentin do you remember what happened? Why you’re here? I know it’s tough but I need you to say it, accept it. If you can do that i can let you go home, ok? Do you understand that your dad has passed away?”

Quentin nodded after a long moment. His eyes filled with tears. Hearing Eliot say it made it real. Made him believe it when his brain refused to accept it. 

“My dad passed away. I understand now..”

He curled back into Eliot and closed his eyes. Benjamin patted his arm. He could hear him telling Eliot and Dean Fogg that he was going to increase his depression medication just to be safe and that they should keep a close watch on him. Bring him back if things got out of hand again.

Julia and Penny came in. They came to either side of the bed. Julia stroked the side of his head. 

“Hey Q. You look much better. I’m glad you’re ok.”

He turned to her and then Penny. 

“Sorry I was crazy.”

“What? No, Q. You’re not crazy. It’s perfectly understandable. Anybody in their right mind could’ve reacted the same way. Everyone handles grief different. There’s no right way.”

“She’s right. You’re not crazy. I’m happy we were there to help, even though you and I drive each other nuts. We’re here if you need anything.”

He turned to cover his whole face in Eliot’s chest, letting him stroke the back of his head. 

Julia and Penny exchanged words with Eliot and the doctor and Dean Fogg and then left them. All Quentin wanted to do was sleep. 

“Quentin before you fall back asleep can you take your meds for me?”

Benjamin held a little dosage cup out to him and up to his mouth and poured the two pills into his mouth. Eliot gave him a drink and before he knew it he was drifting off to sleep again. He would deal with everything else later...


End file.
